Hi again…

 

Hi...I feel like I owe you an apology. I've been gone for a little over two years. That seems wild to think about, that feels longer than it actually was. I'm sorry. I think I felt this hiatus, break, or whatever you want to call it on the horizon when I wrote a post in 2017 about a hiatus I took then. Honestly, no one talks about how difficult post-grad life is or how you think you should have control of your life in your twenties and you really don't. It was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I only have control over MY actions and no one else and even my own actions at times, make zero sense for the direction I would like my life to go. All of this somehow caused this whirlwind 2-year bout of depression and high functioning anxiety.

I mean I was doing stuff, posting here and there, trying to stay active with things that I enjoy doing but soon I couldn't find joy in any of it. I never realized how much of a control freak perfectionist I was until 25-29. I think it was only a matter of time before it caught up to me. Being perfect isn't real, and you can never truly have control over everything. I was always in this fight with myself and putting unrealistic expectations of myself that I made it too difficult to function. Nothing was perfect because this standard I set was not only unattainable; it wasn't real.

It was almost like I created this handbook to life that I STRICTLY had to follow, and when I came across something in this imaginary handbook I didn't have, I was a failure. Like, having a particular title at a job or having children or a partner. If I looked around and I had none of that, I was failing life. This constant fight with myself over things I had no control over just pushed me away from everything, into complete isolation. But oddly not from people, but from things I am passionate about and make me happy. I more so blamed it on laziness/procrastination but someone said, (I so wish I could find her) "procrastination is a direct response to how some people handle anxiety" basically we are so consumed by our anxiety that we often put things aside because of it.

I still don't think I truly understand what was going on with me to put it into words, but I know that I feel so much better. One thing that has genuinely helped is giving myself grace. I always try to be gracious to everyone else, except myself, and now I am. I've never been this age or experienced this part of life, and I need to allow myself grace, to make mistakes, to make corrections, to experience failure and success. So, I always try to leave room for grace.

Oddly enough, that has allowed me to loosen up my need for control. Now, I won't say it's completely gone, but girl, it is much better. I realize my need for control was directly related to my fears (unknown, failure, rejection, etc.), and I needed to work through those to get to the root of my need for control. Realizing the cause and effect and doing work to fix it, helped. While some fears still freak me out, I won't let them stop me.

I've said a lot here, and I am scared I will start to ramble, but I am here, I am better, and I am sorry. Here's to another go-round with this.

-KAE